A Course in Miracles Journal (Day 20)

Background: Welcome to my year-long exploration of "A Course in Miracles," where each day unfolds a new layer of understanding and healing using this unique and vibrant text. This blog chronicles my personal exploration through daily text readings and workbook exercises, offering insights into the profound teachings of forgiveness, love, and perception shifts. The day’s text reading and exercise numbers are in the title of the entry. Join me as we uncover the miracles behind healing and transformation into the spiritually powerful beings we were created to be. 

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Today’s ACIM Journal Entry:

This morning, which it still is, is experiencing the dust settling from last night’s reading, and what a mind-blower it has been.

In my yoga this morning, I was daydreaming about one of my male friends coming into town and us practicing yoga together in the common space of my condo association. Then, a neighbor walks up, asking to join/say hi, and I introduce my friend—BY THE WRONG NAME!

I subconsciously substituted the name of another male friend I had back in law school for the current male friend (and somewhat current crush).

The former boy and I met at the 24-hour Starbucks and, both being grad students (he from another university), would work as study buddies and eventually a small modicum of friends.

I developed an odd sense of a crush on that boy, a strong yearning balanced by a mental reasoning against it, as he was not quite aligned to me or where I was in life. He had just come back from a year-plus trip around the world with his then-girlfriend and was working on a grad project for the United Nations.

He still pined for this ex, and while it was clear to me she was done and past their relationship, he was not and dreamed (and planned) to get her back.

I was in the new lingering of my father’s recent passing and still yet to go on my first real international trip ever. This boy helped me gain the last tidbit of confidence (he had even visited North Korea AND broke curfew) I needed to go, and he helped me pick my first destination: Turkey.

He was what I needed at that time and helped me break free of my own fears of traveling as a solo, female American who only spoke English. The universe knew.

So why did that boy’s name pop up in this space? I noticed a series of correlations that must be more than coincidences:

Both men have a similar physique. A rare one, too, but wow—how similar. Even their natural hair color, hair growth, and style are identical—and they are also less common (not rare, though). They both have a similar skin tone and blue eyes. Both are extremely intelligent, cerebral beings and world travelers.

It seems I have a type...

A type I’ve never dated. A type that always seems to be in the aftermath of their last relationship when I cross them. A type that I develop a strong yearning and attachment to, that I’d call unhealthy—especially when it’s never really been supported emotionally, other than the hours upon hours of friendship that I develop with this category of man.

They each, when time runs out (from life or otherwise), decide they want to hook up with me… and I reject them.

I reject them because I want more—even though there is no more to be had. I reject them because I know they are still in love with their exes (one had walked away from the relationship but did not have enough distance yet, while the other pined for this ex). I know I deserve more. I know I want more. I refuse to be objectified.

I’d rather have made love as friends than to feel stripped down to no emotional value. So rather than have empty sex with an extremely hot, fit, toned body, I deny the offer, and our friendship sits stale—with them feeling rejected and my emotional needs remaining unmet once again.

With the same guy—more than once in my life. I can think of three men that would fall into this category. The first was not as good of a friend, nor did we spend much friendship time together, but most of his looks and the rest of his profile fit him—that was in high school.

The next came in law school, then again as a lawyer on my digital nomad adventures. There are even lingering impressions of a man in my life recently met who fits the physical and mental profile, but the friendship part was never established.

He also has different vibes in a particular way that shifts any true interest. But I visually can see the category applying.

So, the same man walks into my life this many times, in this many ways, and I react the same way. But there’s also the shift that’s occurring—the most recent one and I have zero connection.

Why the strong yearning each time? Part, I feel, is an unhealthy attachment, unfinished business with the physical attraction clearly felt by us both, but also a sense of lack.

There is no one else like him.

Ha! First, lack is never real, but also, I’ve had four of this male profile in my life. Four! That’s not rare at all!

And why did I always say no? Because I feel I always have to do the right thing. I can’t have a man who still has feelings for another. It’s not right to shift this man from his current love and attraction.

While there is self-respect and truth in this first part, my inner reaction was much stronger than necessary. I can feel this massive wall stiffen in my upper front core. A block. A strong, fortified one at that.

I never gave the present moment a chance. No idea where any of it could, would, or wouldn’t go—that wasn’t the point. I never let it be what it was.

I made a decision early on in the friendship/relationship and held to it like a forcefield for the entire length of the connection.

I refused to participate out of fear of being hurt, rejected, not good enough, or playing in some other girl’s shadow. As if I wasn’t a woman capable of great things, and a distractor of the men who it was right to distract.

It is wrong to play with someone’s emotions, be false, lie, play games, etc. I could never be that. Being a tease was in my past out of insecurity. Insecurities long past in my healing days.

But did I have to say “no” to myself? To the chance? To the moments the entire time?

Who knows what I was rejecting over the course of those many touchpoints. I may have rejected a conversation topic or moments of fun that could have serendipitously shifted luck, other new connections, and abundant moments in my life.

Why did I play all or nothing with myself?

Today’s Sphinx/Human Design Card

I don’t check my card reading every day, but I did today, and it is The Hanged Man. A chance to look at the victim triangle within myself—victim, savior, and aggressor.

I’d say that’s an accurate assessment of my realization today. I victimized myself by being both my aggressor under the guise of being my savior.

I wonder where this idea of a perfect relationship stems from? I can definitely sense its compounding nature after my father’s death, but it has lingerings from before that.

As I stir up those emotions, I begin to sense that any man I was attracted to or had a crush on always “rejected” or denied me in some way.

One literally—when I snuck a rose into his backpack in high school with a note asking him out. He avoided me for days until I was able to confront him for an answer.

We had been friends for over a year.

In that talk, as awkward and weird as it was, I learned that his idea of dating was different from mine.

That then stirs up my high school boyfriend. We only kissed and had G-rated make-out sessions, but he went on to graduate before me and lose his virginity before me as well. We had a reconnection a few years later, and it fell short.

Both of us were in emotional turmoil at that phase—he had recently learned his father cheated on his mother, and he adored his mother. My father and stepmother had officially (and omg finally) split after she cheated on him. I was left forgotten in my senior year of high school. Something it took my father a few years to realize when his mother asked him why she was never sent my senior year photo or graduation photo.

The answer: my parents never ordered them or stopped to realize their eldest and first child was living that milestone. They were too caught up in their own dramas and lives to notice me. And I felt that.

The reason I bring up this particular ex is that he never made a physical move on me. When I asked about it years later, he said I was intimidating. Men—it seems there is a theme—find me functioning at a standard that they assume I will kick the living sh!t out of them if they try something.

Ha. In some ways, that is nice. No one is disrespecting me! But it also means those walls are perhaps built taller and stronger than is good for me and my life.

How to soften without becoming weak, too vulnerable, and open to harm?

Vulnerability—weakness or strength? Both at the same time?

These thoughts lingered on and went deep into me as I meditated throughout today, pushing aside my typical to-do list—for better or worse.

I found some incredible energetic pathways within myself looking for calm release—like the nerve ending at the base of my spine that rises all the way up my back and from there triggers the large ball of glowing white light around me.

In other movements, I could feel the anger rise within me. Anger at myself, at them, at me, at not having fixed my life where I want it yet. More frustration than anger. Like, girl, no seriously—it’s time. Fix this sh!t!

Intense something breaking through—it just needs space.

So onto today’s ACTUAL reading…

Text: Chapter 3. IV. Error and the Ego

Today was a heavy day, particularly on my heart.

Today’s reading brought up notions of perception, which frustrated me until I got to today’s workbook exercise. It, combined with tomorrow’s affirmation (which is already an affirmation that has changed my life), and the notion of perception from the text finally allowed a shift within my mind, and therefore a respite from the pain growing in my heart.

I enjoyed the opening line, “The abilities you now possess are only shadows of your real strength.”

This felt empowering, but also the use of the word shadows was illuminating, as a shadow is simply not real other than the perception of a space without light.

Once there is light, there is no shadow.

Once I shine light upon my abilities, they will shine brightly and fully.

Workbook: Lesson 20. “I am determined to see.”

I felt wishy-washy about this lesson. It feels a bit unnecessary for me, but that does not mean it was not needed.

I turned the page to Lesson 21 as today’s verses end at the end of the page, and I did not know if there was more.

What I saw is a statement that has saved my life and healed me faster than anything in my past—well, the first half of the statement anyways: “I can choose to see this differently.”

That line was implanted into my subconscious last year while reading May Cause Miracles by Gabby Bernstein, and I reference it in my reasoning for finding and diving into A Course in Miracles.

Read: [How I discovered A Course in Miracles].

This line, and the combination of perception, helped me to quell my inner turmoil with a meditation. I examined the painful thoughts, visions, and memories and reminded myself that I was false-minded in my application of perceptions. How could I know the entire truth? I barely recall moments from those interactions, and my current assessments were not even in alignment with the truth of what had happened.

My perception shifts in time as I shift. My perceptions were clearly wrong, and I have learned for weeks in ACIM now that that was likely an accurate label, considering the memories were not lived, nor recollected, with pure love.

What was there was pain derived from inner judgments. Snap judgments at times, and others designed from my mind’s evaluations.

Silly, really, but nonetheless what I’ve held onto.

I can choose to see this differently.

I was not able to come to peace, harmony, and forgiveness for each of the moments and men, but I was able to ease their tension.

I recognize this is an emerging healing moment and not a turmoil meant to last the ages. I’m just frustrated sitting in it—but that also indicates that when it passes, I may transcend to higher freedoms and inner love than ever before.

I look forward to that reality on the other side.

With Love, Acacia

A Course in Miracles on Amazon.

“All quotes are from A Course in Miracles, copyright ©1992, 1999, 2007 by the Foundation for Inner Peace, 448 Ignacio Blv