A Course in Miracles Journal (Day 5)

Background: Welcome to my year-long exploration of "A Course in Miracles," where each day unfolds a new layer of understanding and healing using this unique and vibrant text. This blog chronicles my personal exploration through daily text readings and workbook exercises, offering insights into the profound teachings of forgiveness, love, and perception shifts. The day’s text reading and exercise numbers are in the title of the entry. Join me as we uncover the miracles behind healing and transformation into the spiritually powerful beings we were created to be. 

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Todays Entry: [Read 11/24/2024 drafted 11/25/2024]

Yesterday was intense.

I sat down to do my Course work in the late morning, yet it triggered an ongoing uprising within me.

The intensity felt as though I had fallen off an emotional wagon. Steady and on track, then suddenly wobbling as if the axles split under the weight of the carriage.

I had a flashback to Buenos Aires in early 2023, when I was reading May Cause Miracles for the first time. Two curious items from that period came to mind.

First, that was the last time I remember truly falling off my emotional wagon. This expression originated after my father’s death (his 2008 suicide), which marked both my darkest hour and the turning point of my healing journey.

I used the phrase to describe unexpected emotional episodes where I’d lose control, bursting wide open like a flood tearing apart the structure of my daily life.

During those times, I’d often call out of work or cancel weekend plans, feeling consumed by overwhelm.

As I healed over the years, these phases diminished. They became less intense, shorter, and less frequent, and I recovered much faster.

I can’t recall the last episode I had before Buenos Aires—it may have been years—but there I was in Argentina, running an errand for my mother in the La Boca neighborhood, when I hit my tipping point.

By the time I returned to my Airbnb, I had procured a bottle of vodka and a joint.

What followed was an internal argument—my mind battling itself like two siblings shouting, “Shut up!” at each other.

One sibling, the rule-following perfectionist, lectured endlessly about doing the “right” thing. The other, carefree and defiant, just wanted to live in the moment.

It’s odd, being a woman, to assign my mind masculine pronouns, but the energy was undeniably masculine—two brothers locked in a combative standoff, devoid of nurturing or tears.

The argument began with my first hit of the joint I’d bought in La Boca. By the time the fight ended, I’d purchased the vodka and was in my bed. I vaguely remember vomiting on the rented white bedding and panicking to clean up to avoid a fine.

Even in my haze, I was meticulous about following rules—like not smoking in the house.

I was both broken and found in those moments, living out my inner dichotomy.

That night also marked an introduction to one of my past lives—a young Irish girl. I’ll spare the details here, but over the following days, she and I had a series of profound conversations that led to deep healing.

She told me it wasn’t my father who abused me. “That’s impossible,” she said. “By their nature, fathers must love their children, and by spiritual law, your father must have loved you.”

“But the abuse?” I questioned.

“It was not your father who abused you, but his pain. Your father loved you, and his fears blocked that love. Fear harmed you, not your father,” she gently explained.

You can see how deeply I delved that day—how embedded the pain was. I conversed with a past life while facing my conflicted childhood desires.

The substances were just tools to get out of my own way initially. It’s not who I am, but it was what I needed then. The rest of the experience was sober and lucid. I even did historical research on my past life.

The details of that research don’t matter. What matters is the depth of the healing that occurred within 48–72 hours. Miracles arose from that breakdown. And it happened around Day 5 of May Cause Miracles.

…And here I was, on Day 5 of the Course, experiencing a similar intensity.

This time, I didn’t reach for vodka or a joint. Instead, I chose to meditate, sit with rapé/hapé, reread the text, and do yoga to help the deep density move within me.

I felt as though a toad was stuck in my abdomen, working its way through my organs, up my esophagus, jamming in my heart, and slowly leaking into my mind.

Yet it never fully shifted or faded. The intensity I woke up with was being poked at by the Course’s text.

The verses and exercises prodded the once-hibernating bear within me. I was in its groggy, not-quite-awake mindset all day.

I was okay with it, yet I felt a dreary fog.

Day 5 was intense—just like Day 5 of May Cause Miracles. That’s why I trusted it.

I remembered the emotional upheavals around Day 5 in each week of that book and honored the process. Just like before, I trusted that Day 6 would illuminate me like a sunrise—a dawning of fresh air and clarity.

I still don’t fully understand the emotions that became unsettled yesterday, nor their origins. But they’re related to the themes I’ve been poking at all week—my inaction, lack of motivation, and frustration in certain contexts.

I pray that today (Day 6) will illuminate them or grant me a miracle to shift the darkness. Let us see…

Text

As a side note on the text, while reading and rereading Chapter 1.V, I noticed how much of it was phrased in the negative:

• “You did not create yourself.”

• “…not to wait on time…”

• “Equally does not imply equality now.”

• “God’s not impartial.”

• “God would not be mocked.”

And the list goes on.

Over time, as I’ve healed and focused on the energies around me, I’ve become more aware of statements framed in the negative. This began with analyzing my own writing, but now I catch it in others.

Negative phrasing often implies a lack of something. So, seeing it repeatedly and densely in this section stood out sharply.

For example:

• “Avoid pain” versus “Procure happiness.”

• “You shouldn’t do that” versus “Here’s a possible solution.”

The former warns of a lack, while the latter affirms abundance.

So why was negation used so heavily here? Especially in a section titled “Wholeness and Spirit,” one might expect affirmations rather than negations.

I suppose it can be challenging to guide the mind and spirit toward the correct path without highlighting the errors of the current one.

For instance, “You want a path with green trees” differs from “You don’t want any brown trees.” A traveler might see plenty of green trees but miss the scattered brown ones, finding no fault in the journey.

Calling out the brown trees could help the traveler recognize missteps and correct course more quickly.

In that regard, I see how this writing approach might be useful. Still, I couldn’t help but be mentally distracted by the negations throughout today’s text.

With Love, Acacia

“All quotes are from A Course in Miracles, copyright ©1992, 1999, 2007 by the Foundation for Inner Peace, 448 Ignacio Blvd., #306, Novato, CA 94949, www.acim.org, used with permission.”